It occurs to me this morning that maybe what I'm needing is not so much a purpose but  a good fit. Where can I comfortably fit within this place I've settled?  I don't need something as large as a purpose. I don't have the drive for it. But I would like a good fit. I would like to find a way to provide a service to the community that is in harmony with what the people here want or need and that is also in harmony with who I am as a person (talents, experiences, and limitations). I would like that service or services to result in an income stream that will allow me to prosper (to continue to alter my home/property; provide for myself, my animals, my fiance; travel a couple of times a year; afford medical care; save aggressively for retirement).  Exactly what that thing or things will be isn't that important.

I have fantastic ideas for my learning center--but I think too big and don't have the money to accomplish what I'd like and the average person here isn't likely to jump on my vision. So be it. I will be a sometime tutor as one way to make money and will seek other niches. My new scanner provides the option of scanning photographs or slides for others--and my desktop publishing skills allow for the possibility of creating a document out of photographs and family stories. My fiance and I have both wished there was a used bookstore hereabouts--I could start one.  We both also have an interest in landscaping rock in less than huge quantities they're usually sold in, so I could turn a portion of my yard into a "by-the-eaches" rock yard.

I would rather not be so scattered but I don't believe any one of these things will provide an adequate income, at least not initially. And all of these things appeal to some aspect of my character.  I feel in an experimental mode, wondering what will "take" in this community.  I am an oddball here, as is my fiance, so finding a "fit" or niche is going to take some inventiveness. Some things, like the scanning and family memoribilia production, do not have geographic limitations. Others do. Neither of us has much spare change to put toward this experimentation. But I'll move forward by inches and see what happens.

Making no attempt to create this harmony of place/needs/services/me/income is what's intolerable to me. It's going to be a more complicated puzzle than I'd hoped for but it doesn't seem impossible or scary. In fact, there MUST be a way because my life requires it. I just need to watch, listen, experiment.  These are things I'm good at. I'm even good at networking when I have the time. What I need is better marketing skills and/or to find someone who has them--or to just be patient as word of mouth does its work.

I'm experiencing a lovely sense of acceptance lately. My Learning Center may not fly but I don't feel upset about it. I don't even feel upset about the debt that will be left for me to pay off over a couple of years. It still feels right somehow. This is a rare feeling for me, this lack of concern over whether something has served the purpose I intended. And the lack of concern over more debt. Yet, I'm suffused with this feeling that everything will be alright, regardless of whether I need to let go of the space I'm using when the lease is up, regardless of the additional burden of debt. I feel this experience has been worthwhile, though I don't know why. Perhaps because it has put me back in touch with my ability to help people. Perhaps because it has connected me to the community more. Perhaps because I properly judged my risk comfort and that is a form of success in itself. Perhaps because other ideas have cropped up for what I might do to augment my income. Perhaps because I refused to put my life on hold while it taking this risk. Perhaps all of these things. It's mysterious to me and I'm grateful for it.

I have become a goal-oriented person but I wasn't always that way. I'm not sure quite when it developed. I can see evidence of it as a child primarily in relation to school. Otherwise I was a daydreamer. Somewhere along the line I decided I needed to create goals for myself but they were mainly hobby-type goals--wanting to hike a certain trail for instance. As an adult, I believe going back to college at the age of 30 triggered an unhealthy level of goal chasing motivated too much by external standards. I felt I HAD to get high grades so there were no obstacles to getting into grad schools. As it turned out, my high grades made little difference. My desire to get things done has benefitted my employers more than myself for years now, with the exception of my years of lyme disease in which my goal-oriented nature both helped to save me and was a great frustration because the littlest goals (such as putting dishes in the dish washer) would often have to be put off. Now that I'm better, I still have limitations, but I also find that most of my goal-focused nature is in the service of an employer and not aimed at my own joy.

So this acceptance, this letting go of goals or outcomes, may come from at least using my goalishness to my own ends for once, a simple satisfaction in having turned the tables in a healthy way. It also harkens back to childhood periods without worry, of feeling secure, of not feeling that anything has to change. I will continue to engage in marketing activities, etc, but I don't feel the need to STRIVE for anything. I'll continue to work on my yard but I don't think any of it has to happen by a particular date. I feel like I'm headed in the right direction in all endeavors and getting there will in large measure take care of itself so long as I remain steady. Which leaves me one simple goal: remaining steady.  Not the easiest thing for me. One of my methods of self-sabotage is jumping to something new before giving what I'm doing time to bear fruit. But this inner quiet bodes well for sitting still this time, for reconnecting with the naturalist in me who sits still, watches and listens--this time observing my own life and what develops from efforts already put forward.

Money, as someone already mentioned, but also their health problems and how they are coping with them or healing from them. It seems to me we are more embarrassed about admitting physical weakness or illness than emotional problems because people might think we are trying to make an excuse to be lazy instead of being honest. I believe it's critical for people to be honest about their struggles with health and their attempts to get effective treatment--and the costs incurred--in order for the health care system to change in this country and because then what works would be shared among those with a given condition and doctors can be pressured to provide the effective alternative. (Check out my profile and you'll see I had a battle with Lyme disease. I didn't recover by keeping my mouth shut or by being passive where doctors are concerned. :-) )