Acceptance

I'm experiencing a lovely sense of acceptance lately. My Learning Center may not fly but I don't feel upset about it. I don't even feel upset about the debt that will be left for me to pay off over a couple of years. It still feels right somehow. This is a rare feeling for me, this lack of concern over whether something has served the purpose I intended. And the lack of concern over more debt. Yet, I'm suffused with this feeling that everything will be alright, regardless of whether I need to let go of the space I'm using when the lease is up, regardless of the additional burden of debt. I feel this experience has been worthwhile, though I don't know why. Perhaps because it has put me back in touch with my ability to help people. Perhaps because it has connected me to the community more. Perhaps because I properly judged my risk comfort and that is a form of success in itself. Perhaps because other ideas have cropped up for what I might do to augment my income. Perhaps because I refused to put my life on hold while it taking this risk. Perhaps all of these things. It's mysterious to me and I'm grateful for it.

I have become a goal-oriented person but I wasn't always that way. I'm not sure quite when it developed. I can see evidence of it as a child primarily in relation to school. Otherwise I was a daydreamer. Somewhere along the line I decided I needed to create goals for myself but they were mainly hobby-type goals--wanting to hike a certain trail for instance. As an adult, I believe going back to college at the age of 30 triggered an unhealthy level of goal chasing motivated too much by external standards. I felt I HAD to get high grades so there were no obstacles to getting into grad schools. As it turned out, my high grades made little difference. My desire to get things done has benefitted my employers more than myself for years now, with the exception of my years of lyme disease in which my goal-oriented nature both helped to save me and was a great frustration because the littlest goals (such as putting dishes in the dish washer) would often have to be put off. Now that I'm better, I still have limitations, but I also find that most of my goal-focused nature is in the service of an employer and not aimed at my own joy.

So this acceptance, this letting go of goals or outcomes, may come from at least using my goalishness to my own ends for once, a simple satisfaction in having turned the tables in a healthy way. It also harkens back to childhood periods without worry, of feeling secure, of not feeling that anything has to change. I will continue to engage in marketing activities, etc, but I don't feel the need to STRIVE for anything. I'll continue to work on my yard but I don't think any of it has to happen by a particular date. I feel like I'm headed in the right direction in all endeavors and getting there will in large measure take care of itself so long as I remain steady. Which leaves me one simple goal: remaining steady.  Not the easiest thing for me. One of my methods of self-sabotage is jumping to something new before giving what I'm doing time to bear fruit. But this inner quiet bodes well for sitting still this time, for reconnecting with the naturalist in me who sits still, watches and listens--this time observing my own life and what develops from efforts already put forward.