In my attempt to understand my blocks around money, abundance and wealth, I've been thinking about the environment in which I was raised and my personality. One thing that has perplexed me is that if anything we were considered on the wealthy end of the scale in the neighborhood where I grew up. We had a big house and 10 acres of land and my mother created gardens that impressed people even from a distance. But a lot of this appearance of wealth was due to the industriousness of my parents. My mother's gardening and my father's building ability (he built the house with two of his friends--and later a small barn). We were rural middle-middle class. As kids we were aware there was a budget but we also got most of the things we wanted--eventually if not immediately. So I've a bit baffled where I've gotten this poverty mentality.

Much as I have examined my notions around money and my parents' influence in that regard, I haven't looked at the impressions they gave me regarding work and income. My father was a foreman in a GM plant. Though he never complained about work, he also had nothing good to say about it. It took up his time and energy, leaving him rather drained in the evenings. Granted it allowed us to have what we had but it didn't seem to be doing much for my dad. It was a case of work buying him ways to enjoy the time he wasn't at work. My mother was a stay at home mom (or pursuing her education) until we were in our teens. She had her bachelors in psych yet never worked in that field and never made good money, instead working for nonprofits (or retail clerking) jobs. The nonprofit jobs were related to things she enjoyed (music, theater) but the jobs themselves were not particularly enjoyable to her, and like many nonprofit jobs, the compensation did not reflect the quality or quantity of work being provided. So you might say I've never had any sort of model for a happy, fulfilling career that provided a comfortable income without exacting a toll of exhaustion.

Yet these impressions are a product of my own personality. I'm a freedom-loving person. What I saw was the cost of family and stability that may have been worthwhile to my parents but which I didn't want. To me, a owning property meant being tied to a job that required that most of your time be spent doing something you don't want to do. Not a pattern I could embrace yet no other was provided.

Other aspects of my personality were at work as well: stubbornness, a tendency to withdraw, and a faulty self-reliance, all best expressed in the phrase: "Fine, I'll do without then."

I'll have to continue this at a later date--supper time :-)

One situation that always comes to mind when I think of money dysfunction in our family was a meager attempt on my part to eat right when I was I was in my later teens. I was eating eggs and sausage for breakfast and my mother told me I couldn't keep it up because it was too expensive for them. That was utterly ridiculous, yet I didn't have access to their checkbook or budget to say, "Yes, you can, see here!" I felt I didn't have the right to argue the case (ie I felt powerless). I should have argued the case because really I think this was a low point for my mother, that it was motivated out of a jealousy of my burgeoning fitness which she needed to have challenged. My reaction was a disgusted: "Fine, I'll do without."

And so maybe I grew up with a sense of powerlessness around the things I wanted and didn't see ways to generate income myself to get the things I wanted. Living away from any commerce prevented me from getting a job (except the occasional babysitting stint) until I had a car. But I don't think the powerlessness is as important as the determination to do without, the withdrawal. It extends to other attitudes such as, "If the only way to be free to enjoy life is to work part time, then I'll live on less. If I want to explore different places then I'll get low level jobs where I'm not expected to stay and move on with less trouble for everyone." The more I was getting in exchange for the less money was hiking and mobility. Yet I set up a false dichotomy. I've been very guilty of a lack of imagination when it comes to money. Perhaps that's the most damaging non-legacy from my upbringing. Though my parents were more sophisticated than I have been, they still were stuck in the "you must be hired to make a living" mentality. They did not explore other means of generating income except a brief period during which my mother propogated plants for sale.

My mother also planted the idealistic seed of "do what you love." But there were conditions. Don't take your writing seriously because it's risky. You'll never be able to support yourself with it. So definitely a double message there that I did not completely break out of.

Still, my continued stuckness I think has to do more with how I'm digesting all that and something(s) I haven't let go of.

But now I have to go to work, so I'll continue this later.

An assumption of the employment mentality that I've always objected to is that the obligation to others is more important than the obligation to self. Though I've resisted it, I've also fallen for it in the sense that by avoiding full engagement in employment I've never had enough money to properly care for myself. Something of a catch-22. We seek income to be able to feed ourselves (at the most primitive level) but in return the employer wants most of the energy produced by that food. It strikes me as an uneven balance.

Along with the determination to do without to avoid "capture" by ceaseless, draining employment is a personality trait I call the Cult of Endurance, which includes valuing a faulty self-reliance ("since I can't afford to have someone else do it, I'll do it myself regardless of my ability"). I recognized this mentality and its destructiveness in my mid 30s, but recognizing something and unwrapping oneself from it are two different things. I keep getting caught up in it, especially by pushing my physical endurance and having difficulty facing that I'm unwell and simply can't function at the level I used to. Perhaps some day my health will improve but not via the cult of endurance. I'm having to give it up, to shed it, paradoxically, to keep going. I'm much more easily overwhelmed. 30hrs a week is working to capacity. I'm less tolerant of temperature changes. I have a greater need to feel physically safe. I must take daily medication and need to seek further medical help to get even better. I must coddle myself, in other words, which requires money. I really can't say, "Fine, I'll do without." I've become dependent and moving toward hothouse flower status.

This is quite an identity shift for me and not a positive one. I've felt it requires I become a part of a system or system(s) I dislike while at the same time being shut out from them (having too little money to make use of the health care system and the diminished work ability bumping me out of full time employment which would garner me benefits). The clearest challenge has been to enter a high paying independent profession (in which I can set my hours). But how with only enough money to get by, more than enough debt already, and already maxed out workwise? The muddier challenge has been accepting the amount of time this is going to take (I'm not well enough to "work it" for quick results) and the another muddy challenge I'm only now facing is truly embracing my new hothouse status. I've been all too aware of the sense of compromise and dependence. But I can no longer withdraw. I must engage the money-making system (and thus have learned much more about it). What are the rewards of engagement that I have lived without and can now look forward to? To many, this will probably seem ridiculous that I have trouble connecting with this but I have been in "do without" mode for a long time--and still am to a large extent--and have not been craving the standard symbols of success. A lot of books about generating wealth seem to assume you want fame and glory along with it or a few mercedes parked in your mansion's coachhouse. They also tend to assume you want to achieve some outrageous career performance, giving examples of Henry Ford or Magic Johnson. There are few examples of quieter, less strenous forms of wealth-building and expression.

Recently ideas for my rich life have been trickling in and I'll elaborate on them in my next blog.

What excites me about being affluent are the following:

having well-made sweaters

hiring people to clean the house, do the grocery shopping, prepare some meals, and do some of the garden/yard work

being able to maintain the house and property and handle any emergencies

being able to afford medical care--my choice--and medication

getting regular massages and chiropractic treatments

being able to buy whatever food I want (excepting dietary restrictions)

having more time for the things I enjoy (creative pursuits, animal activities, hiking, poetry, etc)

the ability to gift-buy freely

paying off debts and remaining debt free (ahhh, that feels good)

relieving friends in need and giving to organizations

owning a subaru station wagon

buying books freely

owning a larger home, including 20 acres and a barn for horses and a couple of goats

A truck and trailer for hauling livestock

being able to landscape/garden without restraint

Having an emergency fund and making regular investments so when I'm completely unable to work, I can still enjoy life and provide myself with comfort the medical care I will need til the end.


This is not a movie star's life, yet to me it seems equally fantastic from where I now sit. I need to get over the notion that it's fantastic and instead view it as already mine and be grateful for it every day, according to the Law of Attraction. I need to focus on the freedoms that are there: time for enjoyable pursuits because onerous chores are done by others, freedom from worry, freedom to buy books and thus to explore my interests thoroughly, freedom to give freely. More freedom, really, than I had earlier in my life or have now.

Even more of a stretch, I need to imagine the resources coming into my life that allow me to have this lifestyle. I need to imagine direct deposits large and small going into my checking account (even though I have no idea what for) and checks themselves, perhaps the swiping of credit cards, perhaps titles to property, brokerage statements showing the growth of my investments.

The "where from" of all this income is the most difficult part for me to imagine and I may have to leave that up to providence, Universal Mind, God, whatever. It's so unclear to me I can't even begin to imagine it. I am plotting a slow course to become a financial planner but I don't know if I will see it through or if it alone will bring me all of this.