Looking Backward

In my attempt to understand my blocks around money, abundance and wealth, I've been thinking about the environment in which I was raised and my personality. One thing that has perplexed me is that if anything we were considered on the wealthy end of the scale in the neighborhood where I grew up. We had a big house and 10 acres of land and my mother created gardens that impressed people even from a distance. But a lot of this appearance of wealth was due to the industriousness of my parents. My mother's gardening and my father's building ability (he built the house with two of his friends--and later a small barn). We were rural middle-middle class. As kids we were aware there was a budget but we also got most of the things we wanted--eventually if not immediately. So I've a bit baffled where I've gotten this poverty mentality.

Much as I have examined my notions around money and my parents' influence in that regard, I haven't looked at the impressions they gave me regarding work and income. My father was a foreman in a GM plant. Though he never complained about work, he also had nothing good to say about it. It took up his time and energy, leaving him rather drained in the evenings. Granted it allowed us to have what we had but it didn't seem to be doing much for my dad. It was a case of work buying him ways to enjoy the time he wasn't at work. My mother was a stay at home mom (or pursuing her education) until we were in our teens. She had her bachelors in psych yet never worked in that field and never made good money, instead working for nonprofits (or retail clerking) jobs. The nonprofit jobs were related to things she enjoyed (music, theater) but the jobs themselves were not particularly enjoyable to her, and like many nonprofit jobs, the compensation did not reflect the quality or quantity of work being provided. So you might say I've never had any sort of model for a happy, fulfilling career that provided a comfortable income without exacting a toll of exhaustion.

Yet these impressions are a product of my own personality. I'm a freedom-loving person. What I saw was the cost of family and stability that may have been worthwhile to my parents but which I didn't want. To me, a owning property meant being tied to a job that required that most of your time be spent doing something you don't want to do. Not a pattern I could embrace yet no other was provided.

Other aspects of my personality were at work as well: stubbornness, a tendency to withdraw, and a faulty self-reliance, all best expressed in the phrase: "Fine, I'll do without then."

I'll have to continue this at a later date--supper time :-)