Looking Backward, part 3

An assumption of the employment mentality that I've always objected to is that the obligation to others is more important than the obligation to self. Though I've resisted it, I've also fallen for it in the sense that by avoiding full engagement in employment I've never had enough money to properly care for myself. Something of a catch-22. We seek income to be able to feed ourselves (at the most primitive level) but in return the employer wants most of the energy produced by that food. It strikes me as an uneven balance.

Along with the determination to do without to avoid "capture" by ceaseless, draining employment is a personality trait I call the Cult of Endurance, which includes valuing a faulty self-reliance ("since I can't afford to have someone else do it, I'll do it myself regardless of my ability"). I recognized this mentality and its destructiveness in my mid 30s, but recognizing something and unwrapping oneself from it are two different things. I keep getting caught up in it, especially by pushing my physical endurance and having difficulty facing that I'm unwell and simply can't function at the level I used to. Perhaps some day my health will improve but not via the cult of endurance. I'm having to give it up, to shed it, paradoxically, to keep going. I'm much more easily overwhelmed. 30hrs a week is working to capacity. I'm less tolerant of temperature changes. I have a greater need to feel physically safe. I must take daily medication and need to seek further medical help to get even better. I must coddle myself, in other words, which requires money. I really can't say, "Fine, I'll do without." I've become dependent and moving toward hothouse flower status.

This is quite an identity shift for me and not a positive one. I've felt it requires I become a part of a system or system(s) I dislike while at the same time being shut out from them (having too little money to make use of the health care system and the diminished work ability bumping me out of full time employment which would garner me benefits). The clearest challenge has been to enter a high paying independent profession (in which I can set my hours). But how with only enough money to get by, more than enough debt already, and already maxed out workwise? The muddier challenge has been accepting the amount of time this is going to take (I'm not well enough to "work it" for quick results) and the another muddy challenge I'm only now facing is truly embracing my new hothouse status. I've been all too aware of the sense of compromise and dependence. But I can no longer withdraw. I must engage the money-making system (and thus have learned much more about it). What are the rewards of engagement that I have lived without and can now look forward to? To many, this will probably seem ridiculous that I have trouble connecting with this but I have been in "do without" mode for a long time--and still am to a large extent--and have not been craving the standard symbols of success. A lot of books about generating wealth seem to assume you want fame and glory along with it or a few mercedes parked in your mansion's coachhouse. They also tend to assume you want to achieve some outrageous career performance, giving examples of Henry Ford or Magic Johnson. There are few examples of quieter, less strenous forms of wealth-building and expression.

Recently ideas for my rich life have been trickling in and I'll elaborate on them in my next blog.