I confess I am not being very ecosensitive in my lawn eradication. Those who are disgusted by ruthlessness should stop reading now. I am using roundup to kill off large areas of my lawn with the goal of turning the level property around my house into garden with no lawn. Pathways can be pavers. If I feel the need for a swath of even green, I'll cultivate moss.

I have two objections to lawns. First, they require and hour or two of labor once a week for several months (I'm in the southeast). We've been in a drought so we've had some relief from maintenance this year but the chore does not go away. I can think of far better things to do with two hours of time than going in circles with a loud stinky machine in hot weather in order to keep the face of my property presentable.

My second objection is that lawns are visually sterile and lacking in biodiversity. Unless clover and dandelions crop up, there's nothing for the bee or any other nectar-seeking creature. I have a definite bloom-bias. I love green but I want other colors as well. Why be constrained to flat when you could have growth of different heights that isn't considered  "overgrown" by neighbors?

Although there is probably more labor involved in keeping up a garden, it's of a more pleasant variety in my experience than mowing a lawn.

I have nothing against grasses in a meadow. I know they play a crucial role in preventing erosion and evaporation. If I were living in a cabin as opposed to a city neighborhood, I'd be perfectly happy to have natural grasses growing right up to the foundation. But I hold that urban and suburban lawns are insane. (Perhaps the govt should give homeowners tax breaks for planting their property in native prairie grasses :D ) Lawns encourage empty activity in the service of uniformity, characterlessness. So I've got my roundup and I'm making war upon the grass and am willing to apply my credit card to get what's necessary to recolonize my property in more diverse and colorful flora.

I can't claim not to have debt. My first commitment to big debt was for my education in my 30s. This hasn't been the greatest experience since I'm still paying it off 10 years later. I thought I was buying an asset but it hasn't proven to be the case. (I foolishly got a degree in English, and after my very last final, a prof told me about my miserable prospects, gave me a whole journal dedicated to the predicament of people with phds in English unable to find employment.) 

At the pushing of my parents (and a ridiculous rental market), I finally "bought" a house at the age of 40--only to have to sell it a couple of years later due to being jobless from illness. Yet this last experience was not altogether negative. I did net a little from the sale and I liked having a yard and control over my space. So when I moved down to AL, I again bought a house. Yet this house seems to be something of a money hog. I'm wondering if I should have stretched to get a more expensive and thus less problem-ridden house.

House-buying was my first experience in the constructive use of debt. I'm trying to figure out other ways that using debt might enhance my life. Taking out a $2,000 loan to start a business was another attempt. Yet I think my debt aversion (or needing to feel safe around money) has harmed me in this instance too. Such a small loan has not provided enough money for adequate advertising. With a larger loan I also could have paid for the full 6 mos on my office lease. $2,000 felt risky to me yet perhaps it was not risky enough. Or I guess what I'm getting at is what SEEMS like more risk, sometimes isn't. Sometimes it's what's necessary to get beyond riskiness. It's all very strange to me. I can think big in terms of ideas but not in terms of money.

Many people would cry with joy to have the credit card balance I do. Yet it bothers me to be carrying any credit card balance. I'm told by financial magazines that I shouldn't be, that credit card debt crushes people. Yet, when I read about entrepreneuers and how they get their business up and going, they often take the risk of maxing out their credit cards. I'm not going to go that far, but I think I do need to look at how best to use my credit card as a financial resource during this time, to not be so afraid that I hamstring myself by fear of using it instead of from using it too much, as most people apparently do.

This is quite a quandry for me. What is the right use of credit or debt? When is being too conservative being too risky?  I fear this is one of those things one has to learn from experience and that I should have started learning MUCH earlier than this so I'd have more time to recover from mistakes.

The whole issue of a life purpose or mission is bugging me. I've always assumed I would have one because I'm intelligent and thus have the potential to contribute. I would figure it out before the age of 40. Life would go smoothly once I discovered it and that discovery would happen naturally, it would "come to me." I also assumed it would be job-related. I expected the world would recognize my purpose in sync with me and provide me with success when I was aligned with it. I'm 45 and this is simply not the way things have turned out. I have not been moved by an overriding desire to do X. I did get my degree in poetry but it hardly feels like a purpose. I've published but in the larger scheme of things am not going to be a mover and shaker in the world of literature. I sometimes think I should have studied photography instead but am now not well enough to pursue yet another degree.

Jack Canfield's more generalized way of looking at life purpose divorces it from work, at least initially. He still has all of the other assumptions: you should use it in your work; if you do, you will be successful because 1.) you'll be good at your work, 2.) others will sense you're in tune with your purpose and be more responsive, and 3.) the universe will be pleased and send opportunity your way.

Jack wants a person to fashion a purpose out of talents or skills he/she enjoys using--as thought that automatically suggests a career and as though those talents/skills are truly exceptional. Yeah, I have some better-than-average skills but none of them are exceptional. Perhaps the one exceptional skill I have is listening to people thoroughly. It makes me a good, insightful friend. I expect it would make me a good counselor but I don't want to work with disturbed people (there's a sort of absorbsion that occurs with intense listening that makes working with unhealthy people make me feel unstable). It would make me a good coach--or half way since I lack the ability to motivate. It would make me a good naturalist but, again, I don't want to go back to school. It seems this leaves me with a lot of hobbies. :)  Sometime poet, amateur naturalist, good friend.  All of which have a little or no impact (being a good friend having the most).

Then Jack's assumption that one's purpose is found in an extraordinary skill or talent was challenged by another book I'm reading called What Should I Do With My Life?  The author interviews and follows some people who are actively engaging this question--without coming to many conclusions. The author himself has an exceptional talent for math which he has chosen not to use, instead honing his not-so-natural writing ability, because somewhere along the line he decided he wanted to be a writer. He doesn't make it clear why. Though I'm not done with the book, he has already suggested that not everyone has a life purpose or passion. Some people just pass through life. I had started to come to that conclusion on my own and further that I am one of those people that is just passing through, having a postive effect here or there but having no great impact or success. One of life's free radicals, I suppose (though without the destructive connotation it has in health), one of those elements that nudges another element, that nudges another and then another that finally makes some positive difference to someone who does have a passion or purpose to fulfil. Before my days are done, I may do a better job living up to my potential than I have thus far but I see no fireworks in my future. In fact, I'll feel pretty good if I manage to do a decent job of taking care of myself to the end of my days.

Now that I think about it, trying to come up with new ways of ensuring I can take care of myself to the end of my days is the reason I've been thinking about this again. Again thinking that if I could just get it right, gold would rain on me and I'd finally be secure. But after examining the question, I don't think I'm equipped for a life purpose or passion. I've got the intelligence but I think drive or ambition or boundless energy are more important prerequisites. Those I ain't got. It seems my life purpose is to be ordinary with some odd, enjoyable hobbies and to be happy with that.

Or is that a cop out and I should continue seeking? :)

A business venture and by extension my financial security. Either it will further destabilize my financial situation or improve it. Thus far it's not looking good but a critical opportunity for forward movement is a month away and some marketing attempts are still pending.

The condition of my yard is also in flux and is demanding decisions and attention (and the spending of $$).

But I consider these risks worth taking. The former will contribute to self-knowledge and is a challenge I needed to take. My yard work is creating a stronger sense of being at home here and having a greater sense of my home as a sanctuary and a place for creative expression. Both are attempts to rise above my circumstances.

Often over the past few years, my life has often felt like I'm scrambling to escape from a hole in the ground. I'm feeling strong enough now that I'm less afraid of the hole and the struggle it's going to take to come out on top. I may fall back in because of an infirm handhold but I'll have more knowledge about what works and what doesn't for the next attempt.

Last night I had my first two students, one a 7yr old girl and another a 16 yr old young man, both having trouble with math. The girl is scheduled for sessions twice a week until she catches the hang of adding a series of numbers, maybe two weeks. The young man I may see on and off over the next year. It's far from hitting the jackpot but encouraging to see some sign that my service is needed. Even more encouraging is that I thoroughly enjoyed my time with both of them. I felt energized afterward (2hrs). It was wonderful confirmation that I have made the right choice in pursuing this as a business. It's right for me. Hopefully I'll be able to hold on long enough financially for it to take off and begin paying its own bills.

It's funny the things that make us feel rich. I can't say I've paid close attention until the last year or so. And now what I find sometimes surprises me. The other day I finally managed to check out a local bakery. Something about buying a sample of their items made me feel good in a more than culinary way. I liked 2 of the 4 items I tried and went back the next day to get 4 of the delicious muffins and a dozen cookies. I felt ridiculously wealthy carrying out my box of goodies. I honestly don't know what it is about this that triggers that feeling. Maybe eating something that tastes home-cooked? I never knew I had a wealth-food connection (in terms of affording to buy fresh food, yes, but it didn't affect me emotionally). Maybe patronizing a small business instead of a chain? As it turns out, eating the cookies isn't going to work. My body is telling me it's a bad idea. The muffins are keepers though. And the baker said she'd make me some unglazed cinnamon rolls if I called ahead. I'm curious to see if they'll be keepers as well. Meanwhile I'll go back for more of the chock-full-of-good-things muffins just for that rich feeling. (Ah, maybe it's that they're original?)

On the opposite end of the spectrum, wanting to go gung-ho spreading mulch on my yard yet not having enough money is triggering negative feelings of scarcity.  It's easy to get caught up in "not enough" when it comes to transforming my yard. Not enough for mulch to keep the grass down (and believe me I've milked everyone in search of cheap bulk mulch), not enough money for rock and gravel. Haven't even gotten to the pavers, fencing or plants. I think this gets me down at the moment because I'm wanting to create a sense of sanctuary here. I have less than ideal neighbors (which description would make some people guffaw at the understatement) and would like a greater sense of insulation from them. I suppose this means I should have put fencing first. Yet I don't want fence on the front of my property. I want trees and shrubs. I want to preserve a sense of a further horizon rather than a visual stop less than 30 ft out my front door. Wants wants wants. Seems I overflow with them. None extraordinary. It's a rare day when I'd be accused of possessing ambition. So not being able to afford my non-ambitious wants grates on me.

But I CAN afford some good breakfast muffins. :-)  I'll have to find some other cheap things or experiences that give me that feeling of wealth while I await a windfall that will allow me to build my garden sanctuary.